Below are the 11 most recent journal entries recorded in sallyzombieeate's LiveJournal:

Wednesday, December 6th, 2006
8:24 pm	Chapter 10: This Seems 10% Too Deadly It seems like it is that time of the month again, no not my period, time for another adventure of Sally. I know some people get frustrated with the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, so I decided to relax you with a nice, gory, holiday adventure. So stop trying to kill that old lady to get the last Wii, and sit back and enjoy Chapter 10: This Seems 10% too Deadly. After the fiasco in my hometown, it was nice to get back to my mansion and resume my job as a professor. I figured since it was close to Christmas I should check in on the students and give them a little Christmas present. I went in to class and I heard a collective groan as I walked to the front of the room. I told the students that I knew I treated them unfairly, so I said I would make it up to them by giving them a Christmas present. I called my one student, Mike, to the front of the room. I told him he would be the first to receive the gift. I asked him what he thought it was going to be and he said that it was probably going to be a kick to the nuts and I was going to call it a nutcracker. I told him he was half right. I pulled out a real nutcracker and then clamped it on his nuts. He fell down on the ground screaming and writhing in pain. If there is a better way to spread Christmas cheer, I am at a loss. I then told the students, “You have all just failed my class. Merry Christmas, fuckers.” Not that I fulfilled my duties as a professor I went back to my mansion. It was time to create a shopping list for all of my friends. For Doug the Shroom Brewer I was going to pick some mushrooms from an alternate reality. (I will tell you how I have access to an alternate reality some other time. Believe me, that’s a pretty awesome story.) For Spacepope I was going to get him that 14 inch black dildo he was asking for since last Christmas. For Lzr I was going to get him a gift certificate to Al’s All You Can Eat Wings and Hookers. Yes, that’s right. I did not make a typo, so don’t try to tell me I did. That pretty much took care of my list so I was off to go pick up the goods. I headed to the mall and was horrified when I saw the conditions. I saw a spot open up, but some lady already had her blinker on. Fuck it, I was going for it. I pulled into the spot right before she could. Of course she got out of her car and started to yell at me. So, I did what any sane person would do and I pulled down my pants and began to do jumping-jacks. The sight of my gigantic willy was too much for the woman to behold and her head exploded. Well, it looks like the space was mine. I headed into the mall and noticed that something was wrong. There were children crying everywhere. I quickly saw the source of their tears; a sign was set up that said Santa was not available to meet the children. That was odd, Santa was always here this time of the year. I guess this is a good time to explain that Santa really does exist. I know so many of you have been told that Santa is not real, but guess what, you’ve been duped. Now, you are probably asking, how is it possible for one man to appear in malls all across the country at the same time and travel the entire world in one night delivering presents. The answer is extremely simple. Santa is actually a creature from another dimension with the ability to control time. Simple. Santa’s absence was intriguing to me because this guy is hardcore and would never miss Christmas unless something was seriously wrong. I noticed one of Santa’s elves (part of an inferior race that Santa had enslaved long ago), so I went up to him to get some info. I said, “Hey, midget bitch, where’s Santa?” He told me to keep my voice down and told me to follow him. I followed him to a back alley where I was immediately raped. No, I’m just joshing. The elf told me that Santa had been kidnapped. He told me that a powerful being was able to kidnap Santa. This creature also had a small army of what looked like walking corpses with him. Nice, it looks like it was time for me to get back into action. I told the elf that I would find Santa, but in return I was to be rewarded with my own group of elves that would be my slaves. The elf agreed and told me that if I could get Santa I would get elf slaves. Score. This was going to be an easy task because I knew who kidnapped Santa. That’s right, it was the Grinch. Yes, the Grinch is real, and no he is nothing like the movies. He is one nasty motherfucker. Not only does he try to steal Christmas every year, he also rapes girls and boys everyday. When he is done raping them he then eats them. He sounds a lot like a zombie except for he is not dead, he is just twisted. I already knew were the Grinch lived. Actually, it’s pretty easy to guess where he lives. Santa lives in the North Pole, right? So where would somebody who is the anti-Santa live? If you answered the South Pole punch yourself in the nuts. If you are female, go see a surgeon, get nuts added to your body, them slam them real good. The anti-Santa would live where all the other evil people live: Camden, New Jersey. So it was off to Camden. I knew this would be a difficult journey because if the Grinch and his undead army didn’t kill me, the drug dealers probably would. Oh well, I couldn’t pass up my chance to get some slave elves. The one question that was really bugging me was why did the Grinch have an army of undead? I mean I guess it was because without that army he wouldn’t have been able to overpower Santa, but something was missing. There had to be another reason. I would find out that there was something big behind this mystery. I decided to drive my new Zombie-mobile to Camden. This thing has all of the essentials when fighting the undead. Quiet engine to slip in unnoticed, spikes surrounding the body to impale wandering zombies and to stop them from climbing aboard, drawn butter cannons to melt the zombies into a delicious puddle, and of course X-box 360’s and Wii’s with plasma TV’s on the inside. You know, the essentials. I parked my car in an abandoned lot and began to walk. I knew that the Grinch lived in Camden, but I didn’t know exactly where. I decided to look for clues. Now anyone who knows anything about tracking the undead knows that you should always listen to Toucan Sam and follow your nose. That bird has always been a mystery to me because it is a known fact that birds have a bad since of smell so who the hell did this feathered freak think he was to tell people to use his nose when he couldn’t even smell a pile of dog shit if he was sitting in it? Oh well, it’s still good advice. So I let my olfactory sense to the work. I smelled the sweet stench of living dead coming from a giant warehouse. I headed off to the warehouse and was shocked to see what was inside. Inside were millions of Playstation 3’s and lab equipment. Something was up. That was not the only weird thing, the zombies inside were all children. There were also men inside who appeared to be scientists. Something big was going down. (No not a fat lady going to suck my balls.) Well there was only one thing to do, kill people and ask questions later. What is the best way to kill a zombie child you ask? Well, I’ll tell you what I died. I grabbed the closest zombie child and ripped his head off. His spine was still attached to his head, and because I did not destroy his brain, the thing was still screaming. Good, I needed a good fight. I grabbed the bottom of the spine and began to swing the head around. I used the head to knock the zombies down, and once they fell I stomped their heads. Nice. The one ting I wasn’t prepared for was men with guns. The scientists had gotten guns while I was busy killing children. Well, zombie children, but I assure you it was just as fun. If any one agreed with that comment that killing kids is fun then you are a sick fuck. I was joking. I dove behind the nearest cover I could find. It was a good thing that I brought my shotgun with me. I eventually managed to kill all the scientists and all of the zombies, but there was no sign of the Grinch. I started to walk around and check out what was going on. To my surprise there was a room off to the side filled with dead kids. I then saw what was happening. These dead kids were being placed onto a conveyor belt and sent through a series of machines. The kids were turned into zombies after passing through all of the machines. It seemed that these scientists managed to isolate the virus that turned people into zombies. But why would they want to do that. Just as I was ready to leave, the Grinch came busting through the window. He was the same as always, half drunk and carrying a dead hooker. It was time to teach this bitch a lesson. Before he could strike I grabbed my shotgun and blasted the Grinch in his kneecaps. His bones split and the horrible beast fell to the ground screaming. Now it was time to get some answers. For times sake I won’t discuss the torture methods I used to get the information I need from the Grinch. It turns out that there was a huge conspiracy behind the Grinch’s work. The Grinch was actually working for Sony. It turns out that for Christmas, all the kids were asking for Nintendo Wiis and not PS3s. Santa was more than happy to get what the kids wanted, but Sony was not going to let that happen. Sony hired the Grinch to kidnap Santa. However, just kidnapping Santa would not stop the kids from asking for Wiis. Sony indeed managed to isolate the zombie virus, but they modified it a little bit. The kids who became zombies were also brainwashed into asking for PS3s. So basically, instead of craving flesh, these children craved Sony’s big black piece of shit machine. Because these kids were zombies, they wouldn’t die. This gave Sony a never-ending market for their PS3. With the money Sony received, they would take over the world. Besides kidnapping Santa, the Grinch was also to fill in for Santa and deliver the PS3s. You see, Sony didn’t need people to buy the hardware, just the software. The Grinch told me that Santa was being held at Sony’s headquarters in Japan and that it was too late. For a moment I felt some pity for the creature before me, but that moment quickly passed as I began to think f the best possible way to kill the Grinch. I thought of the perfect way. I quickly turned on the zombie-making machine and sent the Grinch through. As expected, he became a zombie. I grabbed him of the conveyor belt and poured a little drawn butter over his body. He burst into flames and I ate the most delicious Christmas feast ever. But there was no time for me to digest my meal because I had to go to Japan. It was up to me to bring down an evil corporation and save Christmas. I knew that I couldn’t do this alone so it was off to go get some help. There it is, chapter 10. I know it probably sucks, but oh well. Deal with it. Just make sure you check out the next chapter. It will be filled with more Christmas wonder, so you don’t want to miss it. Who will be the people to help me? You just have to stay tuned to find out in Chapter 11: I’m Going to Deck the Halls with your Bowels Kutaragi. Until then remember, when the zombies chew you, you chew them right back. (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, August 4th, 2006
12:34 am	Chapter 9: Elk Township is for the Zombie Killers, bitch! Well hello there my loyal readers. I know, it’s been quite a long time since my last adventure, but deal with it. Remember, good things are worth waiting for, and believe me this is going to be good. I mean, when you have a story that takes place in Elk Township and stars zombies, Sally, Doug, space Pope, and Lzr McDougal, how can you go wrong? So, without further delay, sit back and enjoy Chapter 9: Elk Township is for the Zombie Killers, Bitch! As you all know, I Sally the zombie hunter am filthy rich. Now, I don’t say this to rub it in your faces. (If I wanted to rub anything in your faces I would brag about my 13 inch mammoth wang.) No, I say this to set up the location of one of the most zombieriffic adventures that I have ever had. You see, of course my main abode is my communist zombie filled mansion, but I also have a weekend home in Elk Township. Why would I want to live in Elk Township? Let me see… I guess because my friends live there, and, well that’s about it. What friends do I have you say? I believe you all remember Doug, but some of my other friends include Space Pope and Lzr McDougal. Actually, my friends aren’t the only reason why I have a home in Elk Township. The other reason is that not much goes on in Elk Township besides the occasional banging of someone else’s mother. Elk gives me a chance to relax after my stressful week of teaching/zombie hunting/treasure hunting/love making. That’s how it used to be anyway until things changed. While being a zombie hunter might help me to get more women in the sack, it also causes me to make some really pissed off undead enemies. It just so happens that one of my enemies decided to attack me when I was least expecting it; when I was relaxing in Elk. Now who would be dastardly enough to do such a thing? You guessed it, Fidel Castro. (For those of you who didn’t guess it you should always remember that when someone tries to give you the old sneakadoo it’s either A. robots trying to steal your flag, or B. a wacky foreign dictator. Come on, get with the program.) Actually, in my case it happens to be a combination of A and B. You see, Castro is really a robot dictator. How do you think he’s lived for so long? Now, while Castro was not trying to steal my flag, he was trying to steal my life force. And by that I mean he was trying to kill me. Now you might be asking why someone would want to kill me. It’s hard for me to believe too, what with my dashing good looks and my 13 inch penis (in your face). But, because Castro is a robot he is not phased by my wang. He cares only about one thing. Yes, he wants to steal every flag in the world. With every flag no one could stop him, no one except for Sally. To make sure this didn’t happen, he had to get me out of the picture. To accomplish his task, Castro assembled a small army of zombies. (It’s a scientific fact that zombies will follow the orders of a robot because robots are also not alive.) Castro had been building his assassination team for years, he had hand picked the best zombies there were. Once his team was finally assembled, he made his way to America. How did he do this? By floating over on a homemade raft of course. But, Castro was able to avoid detection because instead of making his way to Florida, he made his zombies work a little bit harder and they sailed to Georgia. Then he slipped into the country unnoticed. From Georgia he made his way to Elk Township. The night on which Castro and his men attacked, I was peacefully trash talking people on X-Box Live. I was explaining to them the meaning of the name Sallynator when about 40 zombies came crashing through my windows. They cut me off from my weapons cache, so I had no choice but to run outside. When I left my house I was not ready for what I saw. Everywhere around me houses were on fire and people were screaming. Zombies were feasting on human flesh all around me. It seems that not only to Castro want to kill me, but he wanted to start his flag stealing conquest by taking over Elk Township. At first I was not sure what I should do, but then I heard gunshots coming from not too far away. They seemed to be coming from the direction where Space Pope and Lzr lived. I figured that if anyone could fight back it would be those guys. Because it would take about five minutes for me to run over there, I knew I would get hungry on the journey, so I grabbed the nearest zombie I saw and ripped it’s arm out. Unfortunately, this “zombie” turned out to be one of my still living neighbors. Oops. So, instead of giving the arm back I decided to use it as a weapon. I knew that’s what my neighbor would want (actually that was the last thing that they would want but it didn’t really matter because they would be dead in a few minutes.) Eventually I made my way over to where the gunshots had come from and I found out I was right. On the bridge, Space Pope and Lzr had set up their resistance. To my surprise Doug was also there. The bridge was the perfect place to set up because there were only two directions for zombies to come from. So far the zombies were still only on one side leaving the other side as an escape route if necessary. Using the ripped off arm, I beat my way onto the bridge and joined up with the team. They told me that this onslaught had been going on for a few hours. You see, when I said I was peacefully trash talking, I meant loud and violently trash talking. That’s why I heard nothing. Now that everyone was together we decided to come up with a plan. They had already used up all of the bullets and the zombies were starting to come their way. Previously, the zombies focused their attention on killing all the people in the houses. We needed to do something fast. We decided to split up. I was to go to the Acme to pick up supplies, Doug was to go round up some weapons, and Space Pope and Lzr would hold the fort. Luckily, some cars were left on the bridge. Doug and I both got in a car and sped off. When I got to Acme I of course grabbed the essentials that anyone would need when fighting an army of zombies; alcohol and drawn butter. I raced back and found that I had returned before Doug. When I got back I saw countless zombie parts strewn across the bridge. It seems that the zombies had tried to mount an offensive, but Space Pope and Lzr were more than capable of holding their own. That was about to change though because they zombies had figured out that they could go around to the other side of the bridge and attack us from both sides. We needed to barricade our backside, but Doug had to get back first. Just as we were about try and block off the road Doug came racing in a Mac truck filled with weapons. How he got all this stuff I do not know, and I didn’t really care. By turning the truck sideways we were able to barricade one side of the bridge. Then we started to fight. We threw jars of drawn butter that caused zombies to burst into flames. We hacked away with swords and knives. I ate a few zombies, but it seemed that as we killed one zombie two arose in its place. The situation seemed hopeless until all of a sudden the zombies stopped attacking. They moved to either side to create a pathway. Through this pathway came strolling Castro. Castro then told us about his plan to steal all the flags and about how he needed to kill me first. He said that before he allowed his zombies to finish us off he wanted to know if we had any last requests. This is when Space Pope answered, “Yeah, get these mother fucking zombies off my mother fucking bridge.” Castro began to laugh and as he did this a gasoline tanker came flying down the road behind the zombies. The driver was being gnawed on by a zombie, so the tanker flipped before it could crash into the zombie army and Castro, but when it flipped gasoline came pouring out. Now, the entire zombie army was standing in beautiful, flammable gasoline. It seems that the rest of the team knew what I was about to do because they began to run back towards the barricade. Before Castro could order his zombies to attack I threw up our last jar of drawn butter. Now, normally drawn butter would not cause gasoline to suddenly ignite, but remember, when a zombie comes into contact with drawn butter they burst into flame. We were able to scurry over the barricade just as the drawn butter crashed onto a zombie’s head. As you can imagine, that was one big explosion. Castro and most of his army were destroyed. The rest of the zombies who had tried to attack us from behind were easily defeated and they made a fine meal indeed. Now that the battle was over, we broke out the essential alcohol and began to party. Once the initial partying was over we all felt very depressed because most of the town was destroyed, but alcohol quickly fixed this problem. There it is. Chapter 9. Of course, Elk Township began to repair the damage, but what an adventure that was. I hoped you enjoyed that all. If not, well then you can suck it. Of course, you can look forward to more adventures in Chapter 10: This Seems 10% too Deadly. Until then remember, when the zombies start chewing you, you chew them right back. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 9th, 2006
1:40 pm	Chapter 8: Kutuk, you _____ donkey loving ______! Hello there once again good friends. Yes, it is indeed that time again, another one of my adventures. If anyone remembers (and you damn well better) I ended my last expedition standing at the doorway of Kutuk’s pyramid. What hidden treasures and dangers lay inside? Well, sit back, munch on some zombie, and find out in Chapter 8: Kutuk, you____ donkey loving ______. After killing the giant worm I was eager to get inside the pyramid. If the guard was that big, then something good must be inside and I wanted it. So, I gathered my belongings and stepped inside the pyramid. I took out my trusty flashlight and walked into the darkness, but as I did I realized something. My trip in Egypt was going to take longer than expected, and as a professor I had an obligation to leave my students some work. By now they would be done with the X-Box 360 assignments so I had to leave them something else. Of course my satellite phone would not get reception inside of a secret pyramid (those dirty bastards; you pay for the service, but you can never get it). So I went outside of the pyramid and picked up my phone. The first person I thought of to teach my class was Doug the Shroom-brewer. He could teach them how to brew, or at the very least insult them. So I called Doug, but there was no answer. That was odd, Doug should have been at his home drunk off of his ass right about now. Oh well, I needed to call someone else. The next person I thought of was none other than the Mighty Space Pope. He would be perfect for my class. I called him up and he answered. I told him that if he would kindly teach my class until I returned, I would reward him with a solid gold pope-mobile. He of course agreed, but he asked me what he should teach. I told him that he could teach whatever he wanted, but there were two things he had to do. One was to kick them in their fun zones, and the other was to fail them at at least one test. Now that that was taken care of I stepped back into the pyramid. As I walked into the pyramid I noticed two things. One was that this place was bigger than I had originally imagined. The other was that nothing was attacking me. I mean at the very least there should have been some hot woman coming after my nuts. Oh, wait I forgot, this wasn’t some kid’s mom’s bedroom (zing). But still, the fact that no undead creature was coming after me was pretty strange. Not only that, but despite the size of the building I seemed to know exactly where I was going. I assumed it was just the gold calling to me, but I was dead wrong. As I walked farther in I saw a room up ahead with lights. WTF. That was very odd, so I pulled out my grenade launcher and carefully walked forward. I entered a room filled with cages upon cages. What was in these cages? Of course small, malnourished children. That was odd. They saw me and all began to scream with joy at the sight of me. The weird part was that they were speaking in what seemed to be ancient Egyptian, so I couldn’t understand one word that they were saying. I assumed that they were cracking mother jokes, so I took out my fork and began poking them through their cages. Then the weirdest thing happened. Suddenly I could understand what they were saying. Well, they weren’t making mother jokes. Oops. What they were saying was that they wanted me to free them. I began to talk and the words that came out of my mouth were ancient Egyptian as well. It appeared that I was so smart that I could pick up a language in five seconds if young children screamed at me. What can I say, it’s a gift. (And don’t you dare take that kids screaming at me remark in a sexual way. That is perverted and best left to people like Michael Jackson, who if you recall I killed in one of my earlier adventures.) So I asked the kids what was going on. One child began to explain to me that they were the descendants of the ancient Egyptian slaves who built the pyramids. Kutuk had kept them slaves. The children did all of the work, and once they became adults they were used to feed the zombies, and also to build up Kutuk’s undead army. What an ingenious plan. I had to look into some child slaves. I asked them how to open up the cages and one little smart ass replied that I should pull the lever at the end of the room. I told him that just for that everyone else would be freed, but he would have to accompany me for the rest of the trip. Who did the little bitch think he was? He was lucky that I didn’t drop him and beat the shit out of him. Oh, it wouldn’t be the first time I beat little kids to their death. (Oh wait, yes it would be. I don’t make a habit of abusing small children. Except for Boy who I used as a meat shield in one of my earlier adventures, but he doesn’t count because he was an idiot.) So I opened the cages and let all the kids free except for the one. I affectionately named him Little Bitch. So, Little Bitch and I set out on exploring the rest of the pyramid. We walked a great deal and still no zombies. I asked Little Bitch what was going on. I mean surely the zombies would not leave their slaves unguarded. He told me that just earlier that day he had heard the zombies speak of someone known as the Chosen. He had also heard Kutuk say that he was not to be harmed except for the three tests. If he could pass those tests than he was indeed the Chosen. I said thanks for the information, and I then slapped him for opening his filthy little mouth. Three tests huh. Well, I assumed that the worm was the first one, but what about the other two. Oh well, I guess I would have to deal with them when the time came. We then reached a large open room with strange symbols on the floor. As we crossed the threshold into the room, a strange piece of parchment suddenly lit up and began to float before my eyes. It said that this room was indeed the second test. It was a test of knowledge. The symbols on the floor were part of an elaborate puzzle. If I made the right choices, I would pass through the room unharmed. If I made the wrong choice, spikes would come up and kill me. I didn’t have time for this crap, Apparently, Little Bitch was too small and couldn’t read what was on the paper. I told him that at the end of the room was a half eaten sandwich, and that the first one to get their got to eat it. I told him that I would race him. He agreed to the race and on the count of three we would go. I counted to three, but of course I didn’t go. I can’t say the same about Little Bitch. He ran like greased lightning for about five seconds until spears came up out of the floor and impaled him. I then casually walked through the spears to the other end of the room. When I got to the other end I turned to ask Little Bitch’s mangled body a question. I asked if his mom raised chickens. I then replied that she sure raises my cock. Bam, test number two passed. I walked a little further until I reached another room. There were two pedestals each with a large jewel sitting on top. Again another piece of parchment told me that one jewel was real and would lead to unspeakable treasure and that the other was fake and would lead to death. Only the Chosen would chose correctly. Of course I love treasure so much that I picked right in about two seconds. A large door opened up and I was led into a huge room filled with treasure. There was more treasure than I had ever seen so I began to weep uncontrollably. Just as I did a large zombie seemed to appear from nowhere. I knew at once that it was Kutuk. He told me that he had been waiting for me. He was the one who was calling me, and he was the one who translated the ancient Egyptian. He told me that I was indeed the Chosen. I asked him what that meant and he began to explain. The zombie virus is much different than anyone has ever expected. What the virus does is mutate the victim into a creature of unimaginable strength and horror. The virus affects the brain, causing it to grow and actually become linked with the one who bit it. In that way, zombies shared a sort of psychic connection. He said that because the brain is so important to the zombie mutation, that is why zombies can only be killed by destroying their brain. Well, that and drawn butter. He told me that when drawn butter is poured onto a zombie a chemical reaction takes place. The drawn butter causes the zombie cells to release all of their energy in the form of heat, that is why they burst into flames. He then told me that this zombie mutation takes thousands of years. Kutuk of course was transformed, and he also had a huge army of ancient zombies who were almost finished their transformation. He said that my blood was needed to aid his cause. Kutuk wanted an army large enough to conquer the world, but to be powerful enough he needed the zombies to transform. Kutuk explained to me that the mutation cannot be completed until an ancient ritual is performed, If he was going to conquer the world, he needed to create this horrid creatures faster than thousands of years. My blood held the secret to that. If he could get my blood, than the transformation would be almost instantaneous. He could then gather up all of the zombies into one large ceremony and be ready to conquer the world. He said that he was giving me the chance to willingly join him and help rule the world. I thought about it for a second and then realized that if I became a complete zombie, I would no longer have any need for gold. Plus I would no longer be able to enjoy sweet zombie flesh. Screw that. I decided to fight. Someone once told me that whoever gets angry first in a fight loses. So, I decided to make Kutuk angry. Then he would make a stupid mistake and I could kill him. So, if you know anything about ancient Egyptian culture, you know that the best way to make an Egyptian mad is to insult their mothers. That was right up my alley. I asked Kutuk if he knew what my name stood for. I told him that the S stood for your moms sucking my cock. The A stands for I slapped your mom’s ass. The L stands for your mom is licking my balls. The other L stands for look, not to be rude, but your mom is still sucking my balls. The Y stands for why oh why won’t your mom stop sucking my balls. Kutuk began to become enraged, but he was not mad enough. I then asked where his mom was. I told him that I would probably recognize her if she got down on all fours and barked like a dog. That was it, Kutuk exploded in anger. He transformed before my eyes into a giant horrid creature. He had six legs. Four for walking and two that were shaped like huge scythes. He also grew enormous wings lined with hundreds of spikes. All together he was about 50 feet long and 40 feet tall. Oh well, there was nothing to do now but to fight. Kutuk lifted into the air and began to spray acid from the tip of the spikes on his wings. I dove behind a pillar to take cover. Whoever told me that getting angry made you loose a fight was a douchebag. What was I going to do? I ran from the pillar and launched grenade after butter filled grenade right into Kutuk’s mouth. Well, that was easy. But to my surprise Kutuk only laughed. He told me that once the transformation was complete drawn butter no longer had any effect. He told me that now he was going to have my blood and my mangled corpse as a trophy. Just as I thought I was done for Doug flew into the room. I took cover behind another pillar and asked what he was doing here. He told me that he was in Egypt for a shroom-brewing convention. The night when I was in the bar and found out about this pyramid, he was also there, but he was too drunk to talk to me, or even say phrases that were fit for society. He lost me, but once he saw the stream of slave children running out of the desert, he knew where to go. He told me that he was going to help me out. Before he said another word he flew into the air and headed straight for Kutuk. Using his propellers, Doug cut off Kutuk’s wings. Kutuk fell to the ground and landed with a thud. Now it was time to finish him off. Suddenly an idea hit me. I knew a phrase that was so horrid and unholy that anyone who said or even heard it would be destroyed by the wrath of God. This was my only hope. If I could scream it loud enough, it would echo and all of Kutuk’s undead army would hear it and be destroyed, including Kutuk. I told Doug to fly away and cover his ears. This was going to be my last night on earth, but I was going out with a bang. I told Kutuk that I had one more thing to tell him. I then yelled at the top of my lungs CAPLE RAPES DEAD BABIES! As I said that everything turned white and I heard a loud boom. I awoke in the middle of what used to be the pyramid. Their was nothing left except rubble and charred zombie flesh. Somehow I had survived. I took it to mean that I was meant to continue on my journey of killing zombies. Kutuk was dead, and with him went his army and the secret of the ritual to complete the transformation. Now, the only thing left in the world would be good old-fashioned zombies. Everything was back to normal, except that all of the treasure had been destroyed. Oh well, I would take my anger out on my class when I returned. I began to walk out into the sunset and in the distance I saw Doug flying away. Everything was back to normal all right. Well, there you go, Chapter 8. Of yeah, it’s a novel, but its well worth it. Sorry Caple, but that’s what you get for introducing your girlfriend to everyone but me. In chapter 9 you can look forward to a more local adventure starring Sally, Doug, Brian the Mighty Space Pope, and Jeff the awesome Lzr McDougal. This story is coming straight out of Brian’s twisted mind. I think you will enjoy Chapter 9: Elk Township is for the zombie killers bitch! Until then remember that when the zombies start chewing you, you chew them right back. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 7th, 2006
8:31 pm	Chapter 7: What the F@$% is that? Hello! Well it looks like it’s that time again. That’s right, another one of my adventures. Where will I be off to this time? What will happen? Well, sit back, relax, munch on some zombie, and enjoy Chapter 7: What the F@$% is that? After my recent takeover of Microsoft, I finally had the chance to take off some time from my teaching job. Now, I of course use the term “teach” very loosely. What I do is more pick some students I don’t like and fail them. Now, of course I use the term “some” very loosely. 90% of my students fail. And of course you already know that I use the term “fail” very loosely. Most students who I fail receive a swift kick to the nads along with failing the class. I know, I know. My teaching style is pure genius. (I do not use the term genius lightly you bastard!). Anyway, how does taking over Microsoft give me some time off? Well, I gave each of my students a brand new X-Box 360. I told them that the system came packed with the brand new Halo 3. They were the first people to ever play it, so their homework was to try the game out and tell me how they liked it. What they didn’t realize was that I spelled Halo “Haloe.” It stands for “Hellishly Awful Ludicrously Obscene Exam.” That’s right. What they got wasn’t an X-Box at all. It was a high tech test machine. They had to take a five-hour test about all of the nasty words that I could call them. A sample question goes like this: You are all a piece of ______ little _____ bamboo eating _______. They had to fill in the blanks. (The correct answers are: frozen camel piss, nipple head, sluts from the south east corner of whoreville.) If they answered any question wrong they failed. The test machine also had a proximity detector in it, so if they attempted to walk away the machine would explode and burn their house down. If that happened they would fail because I do not allow homeless kids in my class. So, needless to say I had some time off. I decided to take a trip to one of my favorite places: Egypt. I packed my bags and I was off to the beautiful land of sphinxes and pyramids. (If any of you thought of the word sphincter when I said sphinx….. wait I have nothing to say because sphincter is a funny word.) Once I arrived I checked in at my hotel and I decided to hit a local bar to ask around if anyone had seen any mummies. Now of course mummies do not exist. Anyone who has said that they saw a mummy is either A. the ass of a fat man named jack, or B. they really saw a zombie but they are too much of an ass to know the difference. Sure, zombies could wear rags and look like a mummy, but if they were wearing a rag that would mean that they are homeless, and you know how I feel about the homeless. So I went to the bar and saw a crazy looking man sitting in the corner. I began talking to the man, but I soon realized that I was talking to a camel’s ass. So I continued my conversation. Now I don’t know if I was drunk, or the camel’s ass was the ugliest humanoid creature I have ever seen, but it started to talk to me. The abomination told me about an ancient legend. Apparently in the middle of the desert there was an ancient pyramid that housed rooms and rooms of treasures. Now, getting into the pyramid was not the easiest thing in the world. I had heard of this legend before. This pyramid was home to the zombie Pharaoh Kutuk. Kutuk was the first Pharaoh. He has been left out of the history books because not much is known about him. However, through some research I was able to discover that Kutuk dabbled in the black arts. I have come to the conclusion that Kutuk is responsible for creating the zombie virus. Kutuk was able to combine liquid gold and some sort of evil viral agent to create the zombie strain, the same strain that was coursing through my veins. After Kutuk, every Egyptian who died has become a zombie. Kutuk himself is the very first zombie. That is why there are so many reports of mummies (remember mummies are really zombies you silly, silly fool.) That means that just about every Egyptian zombie is located inside this one pyramid. Not only would I get the chance to eat massive amounts of sweet delicious zombie flesh, but I would also get to learn more about my sexy bod. (Remember, Kutuk created the blood inside of me.) If I could find Kutuk I could find out more about my true powers. Like here is one I never told you, I hardly age. I mean come on, you know that once a corpse becomes a zombie they are frozen in that state forever. (If you didn’t know that please tell me so I can slap you.) Ok, so I told the talking ass that I was interested. It told me that it knew the location, and if I split the gold fifty-fifty, he would lead me to the location. I agreed, but I planned to kill the thing once we reached the temple. I mean seriously, whatever the hell I was talking to shouldn’t even exist. I mean I’ve taken dumps that looked better than this thing. It told me that we would set off immediately, but there was one more thing I should know. Some huge, horrid creature guarded the entrance. I told him that I had something to deal with it. Another new toy. A rapid fire machine gun that shot hollow tip bullets filled with drawn butter. I also just bought a drawn butter grenade launcher. I gathered my toys and we were off. After walking about ten miles I heard something behind me. Thinking it was the pyramid guard I swung around. I yelled oh shit and shot. When I got done shooting I realized that it was only a little boy. A very hairy, monstrous looking boy for that matter. The thing next to me said that I just killed his son. I asked since when was his son with us. He told me that he was literally there the entire time. I must have been drunk. Before I could say something to defend myself I noticed something in the distance. It was the pyramid! Since I knew where to go, I turned and snapped the creatures neck. Nature could thank me later, right now I had to get some gold and eat some zombie. I ran to the pyramid and in no time I was there. (The zombie blood had combined with my blood to make me super fast.) When I reached the pyramid entrance I began to head in, but as I did so the sand started to shake. Something was surfacing, and it wasn’t friendly. It took my legs out and sent me flying. Up from the sand came a huge zombie worm. Pus was dripping out of every orifice, and it had huge bloody fangs. I took out my grenade launcher and charged. This thing swung its huge body and hit me like a fat woman running to a buffet line. I went flying. (Luckily, I can take a lot of damage thanks to zombie blood. Just like a zombie, only the destruction of my sweet gooey brain can kill me.) Now I was pissed. I took out two drawn butter grenades and jumped right down the worms throat. Once inside I pulled the pins. The worm exploded in a pussy, delicious mess. I stepped out of the remains and began to eat the goo. Nice. Now I know what you are thinking, but no, drawn butter does not kill me. I did not receive any of the zombie weaknesses. (I’m kind of like blade, but not if Marvel Comics asks. I do not want to get sued.) Now nothing stood in my way of the pyramid and Kutuk, but I had a feeling that what waited for me inside was much worse than the worm. Well, there you go. Of course the story is to be continued. The question is, does anyone want to continue. The answer is you damn well better. I hope you all enjoyed. Let me know. Hopefully, this will get made into a graphic novel. Who knows. Alls I know is that you better stay tuned for Chapter 8: Kutuk, you _____ donkey loving ______. Until then, remember, when the zombies start chewing you, you chew them right back. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 19th, 2006
2:20 am	Chapter 6: Whooza Wooza Zombie Palooza Hello there dear friends. The Adventures of Sally are finally back. Why such a long break you ask? Well, because I was out on some delicious zombie adventures. Now I have stories coming out of my fun hole. And now, because of popular demand, my stories will include paragraphs. So sit back, grab some munchy zombie snacks, and enjoy Chapter 6: Whooza Wooza Zombie Palooza. I was sitting in my mansion one morning when I received a phone call from Doug the master shroom-brewer. Doug informed me that he captured a zombie that broke into his house. I asked if he had killed the zombie, but he replied no. He said that there was something strange about and that I should come have a look. Now, what person in their right mind would pass up a free zombie meal? A complete and utter jack-ass, that’s who. So I put on some pants and headed over to Doug’s house. When I arrived at his house I saw the zombie he was talking about. It was big and delicious looking, so I took out a canister of drawn-butter and prepared to smother the zombie in it. Doug told me to wait and check out what the zombie was doing. He said that the zombie had no interest in eating human flesh, instead it was trying to steal his Cock-Box 360 (aka, X-Box 360.) Now that seemed weird to me. It was like a fat lady with a beard and testicles, something just wasn’t right. Why would a zombie pass up human flesh for some sort of gaming novelty. I didn’t wait to ask the zombie, instead I devoured it right on the spot. I told Doug that if he found any more strange and/or delicious zombies to give me a call. I had to go teach class. When I arrived in my classroom I was already 20 minutes late. Knowing that it was too late to start a lecture I decided to give a test. Of course my students weren’t too happy about this, so I called each student up individually and punched them in their no-no spot. If they could stand without crying they got an A. What about the female students you ask? I told them that because they had no male genitalia they were naturally cheating so they all failed my class. Hey, I’m a fair man. After all the students left, I turned on the news to see what was happening in the wide world of news. I caught a breaking story as soon as I Turned the TV on. Apparently there were many robberies taking place, and the only things stolen were X-Box 360s. Now that may not seem too weird, except for the fact that I just ate a zombie who craved an X-Box. Could there be a connection? There was only one way to find out. I headed over to the nearest Best Buy and bought all the X-Boxes that I could lay my hands on (remember that in a previous adventure I came across tons of treasure so I am rich. I am also single at the moment ladies. Wink, Wink.) I took these products back to my house and laid them on the front lawn and waited. Just as I had suspected that night countless zombies came to my house and took the products. I resisted the urge to turn on my drawn-butter sprinkling system and melt the bastards to hell. I had more important things to do. I needed to follow those crazy delicious buggers to see where they were taking their stolen goods. But before I left I grabbed my new toy. A custom made chainsaw that has a system to moisten the blades with drawn-butter. I knew something big was going down and I was going to need some help. I followed the zombies for what seemed like forever. Finally we reached the final destination (no relation to the New Line Cinema production. I don’t want any law suits you know.) We had arrived at an old church on the Widener campus. That was odd. I waited for the zombies to all enter their lair and then I went in. The zombies had gone into a secret tunnel located in the fireplace of the main room. Intriguing. I knew that zombies were not smart enough to build such a contraption. Someone much smarter was behind this. I entered the fireplace and crawled through the tunnel until I reached a massive room. In this room were piles and pile of X-Box 360s. And guarding the systems there were over 200 zombies. Well, they had already spotted me so the fun was about to begin. I fired up the chainsaw and the party started. Now, needless to say a real blood bath took place. Killing that many zombies tends to get messy. The mess was not really from all of the blood, but mainly from my drool as I though of the delicious feast waiting ahead of me. After I was done slaying all of the undead, I gorged myself. It was glorious. Once I was done feeding I noticed a door at the end of the room. I walked over and opened it up. What did I see? Well, it was a white room with a single computer in the middle. And who was sitting at the computer? Bill Gates. That’s right. He turned on his little swivel chair, looked at me, and smiled. He told me he had been waiting for me. I asked him what was going on and he began to explain. What he told me was so confusing, but here is the basic story. Bill had managed to genetically engineer a zombie strain that caused the zombies to want to steal X-Box 360s. Now, not only did the zombies bite cause people to turn to a zombie, but it also caused them to steal X-Boxes. Why? Bill stockpiled all of the X-Box 360s so that there was a huge shortage. He then sold those X-Boxes on Ebay for a killing. What a little bitch. After his story was finished he stood up and pulled a gun on me. He told me that it was my time to die. I said that before I died I had one question. What is the capital of Thailand? He foolishly answered Thailand City. I then said wrong, it’s Bangcock. I preceded to knock him in his cock block. When he doubled over I ran over to the computer and typed something in. I told him that this was for stealing all of my points on cock-box live. Do you know what I typed in? That’s right: 8======D. I then smashed the computer into his head spilling grey-matter everywhere. Well, my job was done. I won’t bore you with the details, but through a series of legal battles I managed to take over Microsoft. And thanks to my generosity everyone will be receiving a brand new X-Box 360 programmed with 1 message. 8=====☺. Enjoy!!!!!1 Well, there you have it. Sorry if this story seems shitty, but it’s been a long time. I need to warm up. You can look forward to some thing much better in Chapter 7: What the F@$% is that? Until next time remember, when the zombies start chewing you, you chew them right back. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 9th, 2005
1:40 pm	Chapter 5: I Eat Friggin' Dinosaurs for Breakfast Well, hello there. It's Sally once again. It's been a looong time since my last adventure, so I'm not sure if anybody reads these adventures anymore. Oh well. I'll write even if there is just one loyal fan out there. For those that are still following here's a quick recap of where my adventure left off. Colonel Sanders kidnapped Doug in India. He did this to make me enter into a cave. He wanted me to bring back one zombie so that he could make Kentucky Fried Chicken (he stole the recipe from me and said that if I ever made it again he would kill me), and he wanted me to bring back the enormous treasure inside so that he could fund his new experiment in the food business. If I failed to do these things, he would kill Doug. So I entered the cave with the servant boy, who I call Boy. Just as we went in a giant zombie T-Rex came running at us. So now I can begin my crazy new story. (Somebody better read this or I'll go ballistic.) I held Boy up as a meat shield. Now I've taken down big zombies before, but this T-Rex was massive. What could I do? Oh wait, I new just the trick. It seems that Boy wasn't completely useless after all. I told the T-Rex that if he wanted some meat he could have some meat. I threw boy down and pulled his leg off with my giant fork. I then slipped five drawn butter capsules into the meat of the leg, and I tossed the leg to the T-Rex. He caught the leg in his mouth and bit down. AS he did that the capsules exploded and drawn butter came flowing out. (Since it has been such a long time I'll remind you that zombies and drawn butter do not mix. Kind of like when you mix a very fat man with an atomic bomb covered in delicious icing. KAbooomb.) The drawn butter caused the T-Rex's head to explode in flames. It was like the 4 of July, only slightly more delicious. When the thing hit the ground I rushed over and began to eat the delicious meat. Let me tell you. That was one of the best meals I have ever eaten. After about a half hour of gorging myself I walked over to boy. OF course he whined and cried about how I cut of his leg. I got so tired of hearing it that I kicked him in his balls. I then told him that now he had only one ball to match his one leg. I told him if he wanted me to balance him out some more he should keep on whining. He shut up after that. Now it was time to move on. Boy said that he couldn't walk so I tied a rope around his waist and began to drag him. He was starting to get on my nerves big time. We walked, for about an hour. ( Or should I say I walked. Boy just kind of slid on the floor.) Now this cave was supposed to be infested with zombies, but I had only encountered the T-Rex. This was a rip. I wondered if there was even a treasure. Well, I had to bring back something or Doug was dead. So I kept on walking until I reached a gate. Standing in front of the gate was someone dressed in a hooded robe. He lifted his head up and I realized who it was. Michael Jackson. He wasn’t a zombie either. Just the sick regular Michael Jackson. He told me that he was the gatekeeper and that threw these gates his master lived. He told me that only those invited by his master could enter. He said that I as not invited, but if I handed Boy over and declared my mission I could enter. He them began to touch his crotchular region. I told him that I did have something to declare. I declare that I'm freakin' awesome. I then punched him right in his forehead. When he hit the ground I grabbed his fake nose and took it off. I noticed that there was a pit a little to the left. At the bottom where huge spikes. When he got up I told him that I had his nose. If he wanted it he had to fetch it. I threw it into the pit. He let out the girlish scream and then he moonwalked right into the pit. What an ass. Now I still had to make my way past the gate. I then realized that the gate wasn't even locked, so I opened it up and walked on in. As I turned the corner down a hallway what did I see? A giant room filled with treasure and zombies. But these zombies were not ordinary zombies. They were standing in formation. At one end of the room was a giant throne. Who was on the throne? None other than zombie Lenin, the Russian leader. If these zombies decided to attack, I was screwed. Oh well. I could use boy as a distraction, but even if I got out I still had to deal with Colonel Sanders. But, to my surprise Lenin told me to come forth. So I walked on up to the throne. He wanted to thank me. He said that I did him a gigantic favor by killing Michael Jackson. Michael was no gate guard, he was simply a whacko that refused to leave. He told me that he would have had his men kill Michael, but they were all scared of his freakish looks. He told me that because of my service I was to be inducted in the ZSU. Zombie Soviet Union. I didn't no what to say. It was an honor. I told him that yes I would enter. This relationship would be beneficial. I could find out what was going on in the zombie world and with Lenin's help be able to stop the real evil zombies, and with my help Lenin could stay in contact with the world of the living. I said that I had one question. If he was here, who was in Lenin's tomb? He told me that it was simply a wax doll. That made sense. So we had a big celebration with lots of feasting a drinking and I was made an official member of the ZSU. Tears came to my eyes. But, I still had to deal with Colonel Sanders and his men. I told Lenin about my problem and he said that he would be glad to help. Lenin told me that there was a secret passage out of the cave. I told him to send a unit of his men out of the passage and wait for my command. I took one zombie with me and I took the largest diamond I could find. I walked out of the cave and there was Colonel Sanders and ten of his men standing there holding Doug. I told Sanders that I accomplished the mission. Here was the one zombie, and here was the treasure. A giant diamond. He said that the thing was huge, and I told him that that was the same thing that his mother told me the night before. Boy, if you could have seen his face. It was so funny looking that Boy pissed his pants. (Well, they aren't really pants, more like a burlap sack with leg holes.) Anyway I then called forth the zombie squadron. They killed Sander's men in less then ten seconds. Nice work. They left Sanders for me. I walked right up to Sanders and told him that I had a new idea for a sandwich at Kentucky Fried Chicken. It's called the Cock Knock. I then punched him right in the ween. He fell so fat. It was hilarious. Well, killing humans isn't really my style, that was a job for the Zombie KGB. I told the zombies to finish the job, and they did so. No more Colonel Sanders. I walked over to Doug to see how he was doing, but he was sound asleep. I think he was passed out for this whole thing. Oh well. I told the zombies to stand guard. I wanted to go and thank Lenin. When I went in I thanked Lenin for everything. He told me that the pleasure was all his. He said that he still hadn't repaid me enough, so he gave me half of the treasure and a KGB zombie squadron of 10 0 zombies. Sweet. He also gave me a plane to fly my men and all of my treasure home in. I told him that we would stay in contact. So I flew home, and after I dropped Doug off, I took the treasure and the zombies to my gigantic mansion. Now that I had some zombies I could finally fulfill my dream of living in a Resident Evil style mansion complete with real zombies and puzzles. They told me that they would be glad to live with me, and that whenever I needed their help, they would be ready to go. So I was back and richer than ever with a squadron of 100 communist zombies. Life couldn't be better. Then I realized that I still had to take care of Boy. Hmmm. What to do. Ahh. KFC was out of an owner right. Well, I decided to go and buy KFC and I made Boy the President. So now I am the proud owner of KFC, which by the way sells Fried Zombie. Just ask for extra extra crispy. So everyone was happy. This adventure turned out quite good. So I went back to my mansion, solved some puzzles to reach my pool, and I had a giant pool party with my Soviet Zombies. Nice. Well this adventure turned out great. But who knows about the next one. I guess you will all have to wait and see in Chapter 6: Whooza Wooza Zombie Palooza. And Remember when the zombies start chewing you, you chew them right back. (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, June 20th, 2005
5:17 pm	Chapter 4: I Love me Some Zombie Well, it's been awhile since the last chapter of my adventure, but the wait should be worth it. During this time off I have gone on many more adventures, so there are plenty more stories on the way. Also, hopefully some time in the near future my adventures may be receiving artwork if a certain someone (ahem... Caple) decides to draw. So that might be worth it too. Anyway, without any further babbling on I give you Chapter 4. Chapter 4: I Love me Some Zombie It was a hot and sticky day, and I was sitting in my classroom administering a test. (Note: the word administering here is used lightly. I was basically sipping lemonade and laughing at my students while they struggled in the heat to fail their test.) Anyway, it got to the point where I was bored, so I decided to spice things up. I called time on the test and listened to the students complain that they still had a half hour left. So, I decided to be fair. I called one student to the front of the class and asked him if he thought I was cheating them out of time. Of course he said yes, so I told him I would give him some time. Some time in the hospital, and I gave him a swift kick to his nads. I then asked if anyone else thought I was being unfair, but they all said no and handed in their tests. Boy do I love my job. After all of the students left, I noticed a letter that had been slipped under my door. I picked up the letter and read it. The letter said that there was a hidden temple in a small town in India. The temple was said to contain vast amounts of treasure. The person who wrote this letter said that if I went to this temple and obtained the treasures, I would receive fifty percent of the profits. The letter also said that this temple was rumored to be protected by strange creatures, the locals said that the creatures were the living dead. Well, this temple seemed right up my ally, so I decided to take this man up on his offer. He gave me an address to contact him once I arrived in India. So, I went home, packed my things, and booked a flight. I was off on another adventure, and this one sounded good. No more Hitler or Donkey Kong to get in my way. Just old fashioned zombie killing and treasure seeking. I arrived in India rather late at night, and I thought that it would be polite to go meet the man in the morning, but I didn’t get where I was by being polite, so I decided to go find him in the middle of the night. I arrived at the building and saw that the door was opened, so naturally I let myself in. (You should not really do this at home, unless you want to get shot. If that’s the case, then enter as many houses as you want.) As I entered the building, I noticed that everything was a mess. I did not like the looks of things, so I drew out my revolver. (This is a fairly new toy. Of course, the bullets are hollow tipped and filled with drawn butter.) I knew that there probably weren’t any zombies around, but I still felt like shooting something. I heard a noise upstairs, but before I went to check it out I helped myself out to the refrigerator. (Hey, I just got off a super long flight, and I was hungry for something besides airline food.) After my snack I went upstairs. I heard noise coming from one of the rooms so I entered. When I did, I was surprised. Standing there were about ten men pointing guns at me. I also noticed that one man was holding what looked to be a hostage. Who was that hostage? None other then Doug, the shroom-brewer. Now, Doug can hold his own in a fight, but ten men was enough to over power him. Before I could do anything, I was smacked on the back of my head with a very large, blunt object. I was knocked unconscious. When I awoke I was in the middle the forest in front of what looked to be a temple. I stood up and looked around. Once again the men were their with guns drawn, but no Doug. I asked what was going on. The leader of the group walked out from the bushes and I was shocked. Who was the leader? That’s right, Colonel Sanders. Yes, Colonel Sanders is a real man, and no he is not dead. I asked him what was going on. He told me about that he has a very large spy network. This spy network looks for people who are moving in on the Colonel’s territory. He said that I was marked because I frequently enjoy a fried zombie treat. He then told me that the reason I was hear was to do two things. One, was to bring back a live zombie, and the other was to bring back the treasure. He told me that he wanted his own zombie because he wanted to sell Kentucky Fried Zombie. He wanted the treasure, because that would help to fund his new food experiment. He told me that if I did not co-operate, he would kill Doug. Doug was being kept somewhere far away, and I would never see him again unless I gave in to the Colonel’s sick and delicious plans. He then warned me that if I was ever caught making Kentucky Fried Zombie on my own again, then I would be killed. Now I was pissed. One, he had my friend as a hostage, two, he wanted to stop me from making my delicious snacks, and three, he was planning on keeping all of the gold. Well, I would play along for now, but he would not get away with this. I told him that I agreed. He said that all of my equipment was waiting inside, including the things I would need to capture a zombie and haul away treasure. He also told me that there was and Indian slave child waiting in there to help me carry my things. I told him that I would continue on if he allowed me to purchase the slave for myself. He agreed, so I bought the boy for one dollar. (One dollar. It’s nice to know that help can be bought for such a cheap price.) Anyway I entered the temple, and as I did, they sealed the entrance behind me. Well, I could think of a plan while inside the temple. Now that I had a slave, I could concentrate on mental work because the boy could do the physical work. I told him to pick of the stuff and get a move on. He began to tell me his name, but I slapped him and told him that names only made things confusing. I said that he could refer to me as the Great and Wondrous Sally, and I would call him boy. Now as we began walking into the tunnel I began to think about what kind of zombies would be inside. The natives simply referred to them as the living dead. I figured that I had so much experience with zombies that it really didn’t matter because catching one should be easy. Just as I thought that something huge came running down toward the main chamber where I was in. I lit my torch, and staring me straight in the face was a giant zombie T-Rex. Well, I guess this wasn’t going to be so easy after all, but I was the Great and Wondrous Sally, so I could handle it. I picked up Boy and placed him in front of me as a meat shield. I then drew my giant fork. It was time for my adventure to begin. Check out the next chapter to see what happens. Will boy be crushed by the zombie dino, or by the extreme load I force him to carry? Find out in Chapter 5: I Eat Friggin’ Dinosaurs for Breakfast. Until next time remember, when the zombies chew you, you chew them right back. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 24th, 2005
3:11 pm	Chpater 3: Zombie Htiler, You'sa Bitch Well hello there my loyal fans. This is the next installment of the awesome adventures of Sally. It took so long because I was busy fighting off hordes of zombies. But the delay was worth it because now I have plenty more adventures on the way. Now the moment you've all been waiting for, Chapter 3. Chapter 3: Zombie Hitler, You'sa Bitch So Doug and I were off on our trip to Germany. Boy that was a long trip, especially when you’re riding a half-crazed man with propellers strapped to his nubs. I don't suggest trying this at all. But, despite the fact that my crotchular region was slowly being crushed, I had one thing to be happy about. The evil DK was destroyed, although his dirty, dirty messages can still be seen. But, it would only be a matter of time before they too stopped. Finally the two of us arrived in Germany. It seemed like it took weeks. (Actually, it did take weeks. I mean I was riding a man with no legs. And any of you who take that the wrong way, get your mind out of the gutter you sick bastards.) Once we arrived in Germany, I knew something was wrong. We weren't greeted with that usual Oktoberfest hospitality, instead we were forced into a strip search. Of course I didn't mind because I knew that they would be blown away by the size of my weinerschnitzel (this time, your mind can be in the gutter.) As we were being searched I noticed something strange. These half-dead looking men dressed in Nazi uniforms were carrying large sacks. Sacks that had something shiny in them. Then it hit me, that was my gold. I knew that I had to follow them because they would lead me to Hitler. I had no time to deal with the guards, so without pulling my pants up, I swung around and knocked out the guards. That's right. I used my wang. I then got my gear and told Doug that we had to move. There was one problem though. The wheels attached to Doug's stumps would make too much noise and give us away. I took the guards' walkie-talkies and gave one to Doug and kept one. I told him to find a vehicle with a lot of storage room, and be ready for when I contacted him and told him where to meet me. After that I was off following the zombies. After about an hour of sneaking it seemed as if we had finally reached our destination. It was an old World War 2 bunker. Now was the time to make my move. There was an opening in the bottom of the bunker that led to underground tunnels. I waited for them to lower down all the gold, and then I waited for the last zombie to begin entering into the hole. As he was about to drop down, I ran and stabbed him in the back of the head with my zombie fork. I pulled the fork out and licked off the delicious remainders. AS I did that, my mouth began to water, and my slobber hit one of the zombies on the head. He looked up and saw me. Well, it was too late now, I was spotted, so I jumped into the whole and got ready to kick some zombie Nazi ass. There were more zombies than I realized, I began to think that I had made a deadly, but delicious, mistake. Then I realized that on the trip to Germany I had picked up two nifty souvenirs. One was one of those fans that sprays water, and the other was an automatic crossbow that fired thirty rounds. Of course I had modified both. The fan contained drawn butter, and the crossbow was modified to hold mini zombie forks. I began to laugh because those poor bastards didn't know what they were in for. As one zombie was just about to latch on to my face, I turned on the fan and watched as his face turned into a fiery, and nutritious, meal. Well, that got those zombies going. I began squirting butter and launching forks everywhere. The whole room looked like it was on fire. I was diving left and right killing anything that moved (I think I may have killed a kitten, but who knows. Oh wait, I did. I remember because it began to meow, and then it just flopped over dead.) After a long time of fighting, I was out of ammo, but it was okay because everything was dead. I looked around and began to cry. The sight before me was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Littler junks of zombie meat where lying on the floor with little forks in them like appetizers. Some chunks were still burning like candles at an expensive restaurant. I was beautiful. After I had my snack, I called Doug and told him my location. I waited for him to arrive, and when he did, what did I see? He was driving a 1970's Volkswagen van. I shook my head and told him to load up the gold. I was going to finish Hitler. The guards in the base were no problem because I was working on a full stomach. I finally reached Hitler's chambers. I kicked down the door and saw him standing there laughing. He said that he knew I was coming and that I should prepare to die. I told him to kiss my ass and then he told me to bite him. I laughed because he didn't know that I was actually going to take a bite out of him. I said sure and charged right at him. As I ran by, I took a big chunk right out of his neck. He screamed, and then took two gigantic swords off of his wall. The battle was on. I took out my big fork and engaged him in battle. Back and forth we went until I realized something. I had bought a third souvenir. It was a grenade that contained drawn butter on the inside. I kicked Hitler back and ran to my bag. I pulled out the grenade, ran towards Hitler, and shoved the thing right down his neck. He looked at me and I said,” So long you delicious zombie bitch." Right then he exploded into a thousand pieces. That was the finest German meal I had ever had. I walked back and met Doug at the entrance. By that time he had loaded everything into the van, don't ask me how.) I told him that 40% of it was his. We drove to the airport where I hired a private jet to take us, and our gold back to America. When we were over land I asked Doug where he was off too, but before I realized what he was doing he told me to keep the gold, and he opened the door and jumped out of the plane. I saw him flying away with his helicopter attachments, and I knew that I would see him again. I was finally back in the classroom where I could relax. I handed a test out to my class and told the, to take it. I was just about to close my eyes when one student stood up and began to protest. He told me that I never taught any of this. I told him that I was so rich that I could afford to kill the entire class and bribe my way out of it. He shut up and took his test. Well, that's all for chapter 3. It’s unusually long, but it's a few weeks late so it’s okay. Stay tuned for my next adventure in Chapter 4: I love me some Zombie. Until next time remember, when the zombies chew you, you chew them right back. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 4th, 2005
5:37 pm	Chapter 2 Well, hello there. This is Sally. I bet you all have been waiting for my next chapter. I know, my adventures are pretty sweet, but screw you. No adventures for you. Come back one year. I'm just joshing you. Sit back and crunch on some KFZ (Kentucky Fried Zombie, of course), because here comes chapter 2. Chapter 2: Revenge of the Zombie There I was, in a dark, damp cave under a church, waiting for some monstrous creature to attack. What did I do? That's right, I began to dream of a delicious zombie sandwich. I could have gone for one of those bad boys right then, but just as I began to dream about smothering the sandwich in drawn butter, my foe appeared. It was a sight that I will never forget. It was a 900 hundred pound pregnant zombie. Puss was leaking out of it from all over the place. Excellent. Puss on a zombie is like the cream filling in a Hostess. Just as I began to approach the zombie, it surprised me. It flew on its back, and began to launch zombie babies at me. Now, I don't know about you, but zombie babies annoy me. They cry, make a mess, and they try to latch on to your crotchular region. (That's right, crotchular is a word. When the ladies talk about Sally, they can't help but mention crotchular.) Anyway, I began to charge the zombie, dodging flying babies left and right. As I got closer to the zombie I could no longer see because my eyes began to tear from the stench. Approaching the zombie was no longer an option. I had to think of a long range approach. Then, an idea hit me. I grabbed one of the baby zombies, and I covered it in drawn butter. It immediately burst into flames. I had to resist the temptation to eat it because I had more pressing matters to deal with. I placed the flaming baby on the ground and punted it right at its beastly mother. Bull’s-eye! The baby flew right into the mother's mouth. As the baby slid down the mother's throat, I heard a loud rumbling. This was going to be good. I hit the ground just as the mother exploded. Zombie fat flew everywhere. I couldn't contain myself any longer, I had to eat. I grabbed two pieces of juicy fat, a zombie baby, and I made myself a sandwich. Boy that hit the spot. Now I needed a drink. And not just any drink, a shroom-brew. The art of shroom-brewery is very complicated, and there are only a few people on the planet who can make such a delicious concoction. Where was I going to find someone like that down here? Well, I had to press on, so I forked a zombie baby, poured some drawn butter on it, and used the flaming body as a torch. As I walked for a few minutes I began to smell a delicious aroma, shroom-brew. I lifted my torch, and who did I see? Doug, master shroom-brewer. Now, there's one thing you must know about Doug. He has no legs. He lost his legs in a tragic slumberjacking accident. (A slumberjack is someone who cuts wood while sleeping.) Was I glad to see Doug. I purchased a few shroom-brews and chugged them down. Now it was time to find my treasure. Doug wanted to come along, and I agreed. He could come in handy. He packed up his shop, and attached some wheels to his stubs. We were walking for some time, and all of a sudden we both fell down into a deep cavern. Could this be where the treasure was? I lifted my torch and was shocked beyond belief. There, driving away with my gold packed up in a Volkswagen was zombie Hitler. Yes, Hitler. He was resurrected soon after his death and he formed a zombie Third Reich. That bastard. And who did I see covering his getaway? Zombie Donkey Kong. Now I know what you are thinking. Donkey Kong is a fictional character, right? Wrong. Donkey Kong was based on an actual ape. DK died in the late '80s, but Nintendo resurrected him in hopes of reviving the franchise. Things went horribly wrong, and DK disappeared. Now I find him serving with Hitler. He wasn't getting away this time. I told DK that he was going to pay for making kids want to touch themselves in naughty, naughty places. I told Doug to prepare for battle. Doug took off his wheels and attached two chainsaws to his stubs. Before I could attack, Doug went zooming away. He charged directly at DK, and at the last minute leapt gracefully into the air. His saws ripped right threw that delicious monkey. That was the easiest battle ever. I enjoyed devouring that ape. I told Doug to saddle up because it was time to track down Hitler. We found Hitler's escape route, and Doug put on his wheels. I jumped on his back, and we were off. Germany, here we come. Well, that's all for now. Check back in about a week for Chapter 3: Zombie Hitler, You'sa Bitch. Until next time, remember, when the zombies chew you, you chew them right back. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 26th, 2005
2:46 pm	Chapter 1 This is what everyone has been waitng for. Chapter 1 of the Adventures of Sally. Sit back, relax, and chew on some zombie because this is going to be mind blowing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Chapter 1: It begins. Let me start of by introducing myself. I am Sally, a freelance zombie hunter/ goldseeker. That is only my part time profession. By part time i really mean most of my time, but that is not important when filling out resumes and other such things. I am a marine biologist/history professor at the University of Pennsylvania. Basically, i tell my students what to read on Monday, then i'm gone for all week, and i test them the following monday. Most of my students fail, but that is simply because they are morons. What do i do for the week i am gone? That is when i hunt for zombies and gold. Now that i have thouroughly introduced myself, i can get to the quest. It was a Monday afternoon and i had just dismissed my class after they had bitched to me all period about how they had failed. I remember calling each student up to my desk and personally slapping them all and telling them to deal with it. After i had slapped my last student, it was time for me to pack for my trip. This week i was off to Egypt. I had heard rumors of an ancient church located near the pyriamds that was supposed to contain tunnels that traveled under the pyriamids to piles upon piles of gold. How could i resist? I also heard that these ancient tunnels were filled with the undead. Money and a delicious meal? I was there. So i traveled to my house packed my things and headed off to the airport. I slept for the entire plain ride dreaming of delicious snacks: barbecued zombie, fried zombie, and chocolate coverd zombie. When i arrived in Egypt i checked into my hotel in Gaza. I then sorted through my bags to make sure that all of my adventuring "tools" were there: Comfortable boots, rope, rugged jacket, overly-large fork, big knife, lobster bib (for all of those messy splashes), and the most important item of all, drawn butter. What? That's right drawn butter. Drawn butter is to zombies what holy water is to vampires (this analogy freguently shows up on the SAT so remember it.) Drawn butter also enhances the flavor of zombies. While we are on the subject of eating zombies, let me clear one thing up. You are probably thinking how i am able to eat zombies without being mutated to the undead. The answer is simple. As a child i was in need of a blood transfusion. The blood i was given was the blood of a recent corpse, a corpse that would become a zombie. Because this zombie blood was still in the early stages of infection, it was not as potent as full-blown zombie blood. This blood became a part of my body. It did not affect me, it enhanced me. Oh, also the zombie blood contained traces of liquid gold, so now my veins are coated with a lining of gold. Perhaps that is why i love it so much. See, i told you it was simple. Now back to the adventure. After checking that all of my supplies were in order, i was off to the old church. When i arrived at the church it was already night, a stormy night i may add. It was the erfect zombie hunting, gold seeking weather. Because the church was infested with the undead, it was abandoned. I was all by myself. To enter the church i had to cross a very shallow moat. I was halfwayu through when i heard ripples behind me. I turned around, and staring me right in the face was a zombie nile crocodile. Most people in this situation would just break down and float in the fetal posotion, but not Sally. I laughed and drew my large fork just as the crocodile lunged. It hit me like a mack truck, but all hope was not lost. Thanks to enhanced reflexes form the zombie blood, my fork had become lodged vertically in the beast's mouth. It was defenseless. I grabbed the crocodile, flipped it upside down, and gave it the mightiest ball punch you have ever seen. The beast was out, and i began to devour it as a late night snack. After i finished my meal i entered the church and found a gaping hole right in the center. Not wanting to wait any longer i jumped in to the dark. I lit a flare that would signal even the largest beast. As i stood there i heard rumbling that was biggfer than the greatest earthquake. Something was coming at me, and it was pissed. I drew my fork and prepared for battle. Well that is all for today. Be sure to check in for the continuation in Chapter 2: Revenge of the zombie. I will try to get a chapter out at least once a week. Until next time: remember, when the zombies chew you, you chew them right back. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, April 25th, 2005
9:32 pm	song for my first entry i will post my theme song i love gold its so shiny i love to search for it oh yeah i eat zombies nice and crispy they are really tasty ill work for gold and a zombie meal yeah (2 Comments |Comment on this)